Bowls Humour
Here are a few stories about bowls that may bring a smile to your face.
IF
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skipper's feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you're the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero, what's more the only one!"
IF
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skipper's feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you're the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero, what's more the only one!"
I rang up my local bowling club, I said "Is that the local bowling club?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
NOBODY'S DARLING
Up and down, walking walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking;
Shifting mats - keeping score,
thirty ends, maybe more;
Aching back - tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he's the marker!
Up and down, walking walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking;
Shifting mats - keeping score,
thirty ends, maybe more;
Aching back - tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he's the marker!
A little old man boards a bus with a bowl in each of his front trouser pockets. A beautiful lady, sitting close by, stares for so long that the man finally says, "Bowling balls". The lady seems shocked and continues to stare. Moments later, she says, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Male bowler: "I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week. Best deal I've made in years!"
Question: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set a mat, can't keep score and won't listen? Answer: Make them Skip!
Question: You have a referee in football, An umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls? Answer: Goldfish.
One of the old stories that is still funny today supposedly happened in Harrow a few Years ago. A well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game. At the last end the number three walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing shouted back up the rink. "Where's our nearest bowl".
"In your ****** hand", answered the skip.
"In your ****** hand", answered the skip.
A SELECTORS PRAYER
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who can accept with grace
To play in a selected place
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who can accept with grace
To play in a selected place
GROANER...
Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Remember: We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing!
